Sometimes it's only afterwards I find that I'm not there......

Christmas 2004 has come to a close. I got a good haul, but I also got more than just gifts. I had the priviledge of watching love unfold right in front of me.
"It's not envy. I'm too happy to be envious. I think it's enough just to watch you two."

On Christmas Eve, I carried on the McCaffery family tradition of getting pissed out of my gourd, and ended up having an enlightening conversation with my father. The night eventually came to a close, and I was driven home in the drizzling rain with alcohol tickling my senses and swaying me to sleep. When I reached my bed, I lost it. Maybe it was the beer, or the writing, but I was pathetically sad-drunk. I cried myself into four hours of sleep, hoping to find relief come morning.





Sinking slowly into the sea. The farther down I go, the more the sky above me turns black. Heaven and Earth and everything around me look the same. Bathed in black, bound and blind. The silence is sweeter than air. It is here where love will have no meaning. Where I can fall asleep and meet it in my dreams. Never professed, never returned, an unblossomed bud that will never change form.


please would you tell me my friend
which direction is the way
because i'm lost, i'm confused
the reality we choose
is a long, long way from the dream

all you'll feel is pain and suffering
wading through samsara

yes but i've heard that before
from those teachers of dreams
but it's old and it's cold
i just can't feel it in my soul
am i damned to a life of extremes

all you'll feel is pain and suffering
wading through samsara

but i've looked to the east
and i've prayed in the west
what i knw, i've seen
you just couldn't imagine
where i've been
and i feel at this time
i just need to rest
and i'd like us to stay here
i would love us to stay here
would you let me stay here, please...
-Tea Party