Sunshine is days away, I won't be saved....

Have you ever seen a carcrash while standing on a sidewalk? You still jump with the impact, even though you are only an observer; a set of eyes and a heart that feel every angle of what unfolds. A broken arm, a smashed windshield, all the blood, the screams; you see everything. You are removed, but somehow you are dead centre in all the activity. You don't feel fear or pain, you feel helplessness.

Life on the sidelines. Sometimes it feels like I'm not even here. I'm the atom, while everything whips around me. This is what I see. I see a boy with blind eyes and a broken heart. I see a girl who has figured it out and doesn't know it. I see the glue that is holding an entire family together. I see the ones who have nothing left. I see the ones who have everything, but are oblivious. I see the ones who have reached a dead end, and I just want to take them and push them forward into something I can't see.

Not everyone will be ok. Not everyone makes it. She didn't make it. I would give my life to go back and ask her why. I want to go back and take her hand and say, "Don't go there, come this way. Come with me."

I haven't forgotten you. You are proof of how easy it is to lose. You are proof that no matter how hard I try, I will never know what you thought that night. I will never know why you chose to go. I can remember your face, the laughter, the stolen kisses, that downtown summer. I remember it all but I can't change anything. I picture your face, and you're still smiling.

I am helpless. I can do everything in my power, but that's it. I can't become anyone, I can't get inside their head and think what they think. I will always feel like I could have done something; anything to stop you, but you can't stop someone if they truly want to die. I miss you and I still think about you all the time. You disappeared into thin air, and now I worship that air. I worship nothing. I sit under the lowlights and stare down into emptiness. Where did you go?

When you lose, you lose.
I need you more than you think.

















"And I walk out the door, get blown wide open by the things I'd put away. And I wasn't even warned; just blown wide open, now the mess is where I lay."
-Big Wreck