And now it's over, did you hear me scream at the top of my lungs?

Just got home from job #2. Yes, I am now a sandwich artist.
"You're a quiet one, aren't you?"
"Uh, yeah, I guess."

I hadn't checked my email in a long time, but I wasn't surprised to see his name. His words were long and emotionless, speaking of disappointment and better times. He gave up on me.
"I don't even know you anymore."
That's right, you don't. But have you tried?
So now I'm in this with one less person.

I woke up this morning at quarter to seven with a pounding, stuffy head. I gulped smokey air and tried to fight the urge to puke my guts out. Last night was a mistake. I threw a party and got too drunk to remember most of it. I recall laying on the bathroom floor one moment, and then being in my bed the next. I couldn't recall the transition between the two. I laid in bed, feeling the world tilt, and I thought of you. I somehow found the strength to write, but my pen could barely scrawl ledgible words. I wrote four or five depressing sentences before succumbing to sleep. Shortly before dawn, I woke up to my dad standing over me. The first thing I thought was, 'Oh shit, my room reaks like weed.' He leaned in and said something to me...'I love you', maybe. I tried to tell him to leave, but I couldn't speak, so I fell back to sleep. In the morning, I remembered my Dad was in Nova Scotia, miles and miles away, and I had only dreamed he was there. It had seemed so real.

I don't know what the feeling is, but it's back. The sinking, lonely tug at my chest. I can't describe what it is, but it doesn't feel good. It's almost as if I know that it goes downhill from here. There's no way to predict it, and maybe I'm just being pessimistic, but I can't see clearly anymore. Why, after all the dust settles, am I still left with empty hands and an empty heart?

Sometimes it has to be said: Fuck you for not seeing who's standing here. You're cursed by your blindness. You'll never see what was there all along.









When I hear the engine pass
I'm kissing you wide
The hissing subsides
I'm in luck

When the evening reaches here
You're tying me up
I'm dying of love
It's OK
-Porcupine Tree