This is the altar, the one you let me die in....

She slowly puts on more clothes,
To hide the things she keeps deep down.
The one inside of her who wants to love,
Has been silenced; lips sewn shut,
A needle pushed through pink flesh,
Threading a gate to keep her heart locked,
And her desire cauterized.
Thick is the suffocation of doubt, and
Pacifying is the grip of indifference.
Every question answered with, "I just don't know."

She stopped looking people in the eyes,
Because it revealed far too much;
Dilated pupils and the ghost of a twinkle
Give away what she wants no one to know.
"We layed in the grass, side by side,
But it felt like you weren't even there."
Everywhere she goes, it seems like she's alone.
She lives in the fraction of time after you blink,
When your eyes haven't yet found focus.

White lies and black truths, no bread crumb trail to follow.
"I'm only here to await my death."
Words like those make you want to cry,
But you know she'll leave at the first sign of weakness.
You wish you meant more, but to her,
You're just part of the scenery.
"If you stick around, that might change. Things always do."

And all you can do is follow her and try
To interpret the way she forms her vowels, and the way
She holds her head.
And all you can do is watch her and try
To make sense of her shape, her scent,
Her hand on your neck.
And all you can do is wait as she
Drifts away and relies on the tide to
Bring her home.

And all you can do is breathe her in and
Start all over again.

*****************************************

I'm listening to Led Zeppelin right now and waiting for Trevor to pick me up for band practice.

I'm so...restless. Hearing you say that just made me want it even more. It's one of only two things that have been on my mind CONSTANTLY for the past week. It's driving me insane. Losing myself has become my new best friend.

Yesterday I found out I have more money in my bank account than I thought I did. And this Friday is payday. That rules.

Lately, I feel myself growing further and further away from people and my surroundings. Something will happen, and I'll just shrug it off. Someone will hug me, and I'll barely feel it. The side of my mind that 'just doesn't care' has completely taken over. It saddens me, but at the same time, (as I said), I don't want to go back to what I was like before. I want to tell people, "If you wait long enough, maybe I'll let you get close to me," but I don't know if I can even guarantee that. Right now, I almost feel like telling everyone to not waste their time. Just don't bother trying to put a label on whatever you have with me, because I'll just end up breaking it apart. So I guess I'm lazy; I don't want to try to build anything with anyone. Everything I've ever started gets knocked down, tipped over, erased, destroyed. Now I'm the one making things disappear. I haven't completely written off te possibility that I will find 'someone'. I think that someone who would be there in the beginning, and stick around to deal with all my bullshit, and still be standing there when I come back to myself (and everyone else), would be the 'one'. But I could never ask anyone to do that. I could never ask anyone to follow me, as I do my own thing and give nothing in return. That's too selfish. So I don't ask. And I don't expect. And if it so happens that someone decides they want to be comfortable with unpredictability, instability, disappointment, confusion, and indifference; then I guess they'll be a step ahead of everyone else when it comes to getting close to me. Of course, it all comes back to trust. The more people that give up and move on, the longer it's going to take. I should give everyone new a fair chance, but I can't. I used to. Now I kind of believe that giving fair chances is just like setting expectations. Not to say that I don't have faith in people; I just don't count on or expect anything.


"Dad, how do you know if you love someone?"

"You don't."

"Well, how do you define it? What are the types of things you feel when you're in love? How do you know if you're in love?"

"You just know. You just feel it, and then you say it. It's not something you can explain."

"Well then what's the point in saying it if it's not something you can define? What's the point of even having love?"

I think he was slightly disturbed by this comment. I went on to vaguely explain, without actually saying the words, that I don't believe in love. And I will say right now that I am a complete hypocrite. I need to apologize to a few people, especially my sister, for what I have said about love in previous posts. You had obviously acquired much more knowledge than me at that time, and I was too scared to question myself. I truly am sorry. People change, opinions change. Changing situations provoke changing views. Ok wait. I've learned this lesson before. I tend to not believe things unless I see or feel them personally. So I will correct myself by saying that I believe other people feel love. I believe that if you really feel you love someone, then you do. In my own case, I don't think I feel it. I don't know if I've ever felt it. I don't know if I ever will feel it.

Last night I had a dream. Two weeks ago, I would have considered it a nightmare. I dreamed a close family member had died. I can't remember exactly who; it might have been my Dad. When I found out, I was gripped by suffocating fear and sadness. I started to cry. And then I just stopped. It suddenly didn't mean anything to me. He was just dead, and that was it. Nothing was going to make him come back. I wasn't going to see him anymore, or hear his voice; he was gone in physical form. I remember at the time, I was walking down a street at night, lit only by streetlamps. I stopped momentarily when the tears had ceased, and I started to think about what his death really meant to me. Then, I slowly took one step at a time until I had reached a normal pace again. And then I just kept going. As if nothing had even happened.




"Sterling clear, blackened ice, when they drag the lake there's nothing left at all."
-The Mars Volta