It makes me sick, it makes me laugh when I shouldn't; kill what I came to keep alive....

"I am the shao-lin grass master!"
I feel like such a retard. Slowly, last nights events are coming back to me. Samurai. Trees with faces. Hiding in the cliffs. "This is just like being in a video game."


Nihilist Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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I care..... don't I?
Last night I started to go to bed, then I remembered to shut off my music, like you said. Maybe you're right; it did help a little. But only because I got up and wrote down absolutely everything that was running through my head. And that was about three pages worth. I don't know if I want to post what I wrote. I always do, but this time.... I don't know. My sister called just as I was falling asleep to silence. We chatted briefly.
Today was wierd. I was in a strange mood. I was moderately happy most of the time, but something was definitely off. I had to go buy clothes after work and I hate buying clothes. I hate the mall, too. I walked to Woodgrove and got some pants, etc, then I got the fuck out of there. I took the bus to Country Club, and walked the rest of the way home in the pouring rain.

I don't know why I hesitate to write what's on my mind. I mean, that's what this blog is for. It's for me. It just so happens that it's public, and anyone with the site address can come and read it. I caution people that what I write on here is just like what I would write in a journal. It's not really censored. I try to keep it vague enough so that I feel satisfied, but not everyone knows who/what I'm talking about.

5.31.04
The end of another month. 31 days I won't get back. The tail end of a day that will never come again. The moon is so beautiful tonight. It stands out against the tired sky with a kind of glaring superiority. It's a night that I would rather be spending with company. Hearing voices condense into words small enough to slip away in the wind. This thing I feel.... it scares me. I don't want to feel it again, because when I felt like this before, I was always disappointed in the end. It's different this time, though. Refreshing. Everything means something. Everything is real. Everything feels good because I've worked for it. This wasn't just something I strolled into. Six months drifts by, and I haven't abandoned anything or succumbed to overwhelming doubt. So why am I so afraid to move forward? I'm so cautious this time. I walk on eggshells. "My guard is up." I don't like it. I wish I could figure everything out and put it into comprehendable sentences. When I look at your eyes, they seem so happy, and I find myself wishing I could be the same way. I'm hesitant. Something keeps telling me, "Don't. You'll screw it up again." It's like I don't want to lose control of myself. Maybe this isn't supposed to be. Maybe I should be alone. The thought of that makes me sad... but maybe it's true. I just realized the importance of that sentence. I have truly stopped setting expectations. I'm questioning. I'm being honest with myself. What it all comes down to is this. The feelings are there. I'm just not ready for them. I'm kind of working on trusting myself again. See? It's not about trusting other people; it's about trusting myself. Trusting my emotions; my desires; my intuition. It's working... but slowly. I'm not rushing it. That's what I like about you. You give me time to sort myself out. I'll know when I've figured it out because I'll feel calm again. You see, this feels right; you feel right, but I'm still scared of admitting that. Why? Because.... I'm afraid admitting it will change things? Maybe. Because... I'm afraid you won't feel the same way? Perhaps. Maybe I don't need to say it. Maybe you already know. But even then; I find it hard to show how I feel. I want to be able to, but I just can't. I shut down. I would rather just be alone. I don't know if that's a good thing. I believe that honesty is important, but I also believe that not everything has to be said. You can still be honest and not have to say anything. Maybe that is sort of dishonest... But I don't care. Some things figure themselves out on their own. Regardless, I'm comforted by the fact that, in time, things will just unfold by themselves. I don't have to define what I feel. I just have to sit back and watch.
So did I come to any conclusions during this? Did I find an answer? No. But lately I haven't been needing an answer. I've stopped results-based living, if that makes any sense.
I'm not there yet. But I've started. That's what keeps me satisfied.



Ok. So that was edited, of course. I cut a lot out that I didn't feel like saying. But I got down the main points, however vague and scattered they may be. I think I've realized that I do need to write everything on here, because I don't open up to people right away. I never talk about things until I've figured them out on my own. And that could take days. So if I have this place to sort out my own mind, then other people can read it and it's kind of like I'm talking to them. Hahaha that's so lame.



"It's already hard enough to say I need it."
-Poison The Well