Part deux.

I just came back from band practice and.... retreiving my journal! Horray. The jam went really well. It was productive, AND we didn't sound like shit! I'm super nervous about the show. I don't want to make a fool of myself. I get so nervous at shows that I'll just stand there trying not to screw up, and then I realize I'm not even moving. I'm not nervous if certain people are in the crowd, though. It's wierd, if all of my old Wellington friends are there, I'm not nervous. But if other people I know are watching me, I get all messed up. Hm. Scotty J, (Ryan for those who don't know), showed up at practice with a couple of friends and watched us. They were all pretty impressed. He's moving to Whistler or something.... which sucks. I'll miss him. Ryan's a really cool guy.

Valhalla Pure is hiring. I will apply. Onto the journal.

Tonight I went out with Sigur Ros soothing my mind by way of my eardrums. Soft bass vibrations and weeping orchestra fell in slick wet droplets onto my subconscious, making it so that thoughts would just slide right past. I found a patch of earth to share with the night and rested my head on the grass. Stems rose boldly in front of my eyes, challenging me to look deeper into the sky. To make everything else blur. I thought I felt tears. I thought I felt you. I thought I felt. I thought.
Take a breath.
I remembered your words like past dreams and bodies that wander the pavement in search of their souls. I remembered how talking with you was like building a castle, one grain of sand at a time, and trying to chase away the waves that lapped at the foundation. "Let's build it higher up this time." Sure, maybe this is all a dream. Maybe this is all I'm meant to see. And sure, maybe it means nothing at all.

"I'm thinking of leaving. Just packing a bag and walking out the door. Would you come with me?" You asked at the wrong time. My need for escape comes in waves, and the tide is far past the line of the horizon. You thought I forgot you. Left you behind when whatever could have happened floated away. So naiive. You don't understand something. I never forget, but I drift away. Sometimes I come back, if I know there's something waiting. For now, the easiest thing for you to do is wonder what you ever really wanted from me. I showed you what to look for, and you thought you had found it. I'm here to teach, not demonstrate. I can't feed your heart. "Do you ever wonder if maybe we met at the wrong time?" You wouldn't let yourself consider that as a possibility. You reminded me of how I used to be. You are smarter than you may think. You knew it wouldn't work before I had the courage to tell you so. I'm sorry if I hurt you, but you expected things of me that I couldn't fulfill. Just be happy that we met. Be happy that we had a moment. Be happy you are where you are. And remember that even taking your next breath is a priviledge in itself.




"It's all right now, take the world and make it yours again."
-MGB