He is the lamb. She is the slaughter...

Guess what I found out tonight, kids? I have trust issues! Big time! Yay! Yeah... I've kind of been running through all of the things that have bothered me in the past and present, and realized that they all have something to do with trust. I have a really hard time trusting other people, first of all. That's why I find it hard to say exactly what's on my mind. That's why I would rather just...disappear than get close to someone. That's why I'm so strangely afraid of doing things I had no problem doing in the past. Why I'm so afraid of feeling certain emotions. Why I'm afraid of expressing any emotions. And I also have a trust issue with myself. I'm not comfortable with believing my own judgment. Or my intuition. Or my 'true' feelings. There's always doubt. Not that that's really a bad thing I guess... I like doubt. But once in awhile I would like to feel something that I know is real. I would really love to not doubt myself for once. Just to see what it's like. It doesn't have to stay that way, but it would be a nice change. And I'm sure other people would appreciate being able to get close to me. I'm such a guy, hey? The whole commitment thing? The whole: hey... uh... please don't get attached to me. Seriously though, I'm so afraid of getting attached to people, that, in turn, I don't let anyone get attached to me. The minute someone expects something of me, I almost want to disappoint them. Not on purpose... I don't know... Trust sucks. Trust sucks cuz it's something that I have to work on. Yet again, it's something that I have to fix on my own; I can't rely on other people to do it for me. This is retarded. I talk about way too much crap on this thing. I'm seriously showing a lot more than I want people to see. Is that a good or a bad thing? Who knows. I guess all I can do is say sorry to whoever has tried to get to 'know' me in the past, and felt like they failed. I just don't get comfortable that easily. In fact, I'm never comfortable...Well...I'm always comfortable. Comfortable with being constantly uncomfortable. Hahaha. Oh I can tell when I've been up wayyy too long. But that does make sense. There are only two people who are close right now. They're not there yet. I'm not even there yet. But they have the potential for gaining my trust. One is a blood relative, so I don't know if that counts. I think we're talking about strangers here. And by 'strangers', I mean people not in my family.

I think I'll talk about YOU now. I don't know if anyone has told you this. And if they have, I don't know if you've really absorbed it. You don't let people get to know you very well. I think you should. Because you are really smart. You know a lot about people. You know a lot about me. You also do something that seems kind of...undesirable, but it is actually something that we all need: You point out the aspects in people's personalities that really make them who they are. You know things about people that they don't want to admit themselves. Most importantly, you make people question themselves. Do you know the power in that? Do you know how significant that trait is? I'm really glad you possess that ability. I have known you longer than most people. In fact, I have known you longer than anyone else. We don't always 'fit' together, but inside, we are really similar. I guess I just felt the need to tell you that. You don't have to get anything out of it. I just said it because it needed to be said. I'm glad that I get to be around you.




"The reasons that I couldn't believe you were choking me up. Die young and save yourself."
-Brand New