just an interesting convo....

Him-how was your day?

Me- i don't know. the day itself went by without any interruption, but i felt wierd.... out of it.... kinda.... sad. i don't know why yet. i just wasn't completely happy. wait, at one point i was. i was walking home in the rain from the mall.

Him-why do you like the rain so much?

Me-i don't like it THAT much. for some reason i just liked being in it today. i was cold. and wet. and uncomfortable. but it all felt so good.

Him-you should move to the north coast at one point in your life

Me-i have a feeling i'm oging to live a little like a feather in the wind. as lame as that sounds. and that scares me. cuz no one is going to be able to attach themselves to me.

Him-what do you mean,.... moving all the time?

Me-yeah. moving all the time. leaving when things stop changing. i just want everyone to go away. i only want to live for myself. that way, no one gets disappointed. but it feels like giving up. i can't explain why i'm hesitating.

Him-your scared?

Me-yeah. i don't know why. it's like something inside me is just like 'do NOT screw this up again. this is important." i just can't stop doubting myself.

Him- why

Me- i don't know. becuase i'm changnig. i'm not setting expectations anymore. i'm being honest with myself
Him-well sometimes its ok to set expectations

Me-no, it's all fantasy. expectations are like dreams. they're nice, but they're not real. and they don't prepare you for all the possibilities. expectations are different from goals. i can say 'i want to be an astronaut'. that's setting a goal. 'i will be an astronaut' that's an expectation.'i might be an astronaut. maybe i'll be a janitor. maybe i'll die tomorrow." <-- thats me

Him-i see

Me-but setting expectations is like poisoning your mind. it sets you up for disappointment. when something goes wrong, you get angry cuz you think 'it wasn't supposed to be that way'. like i say: you can't control what's going to happen to you. but you can control how you react. the only thing you have complete control over is your soul. even your body can turn on you.

Him- you can control to an extent what happans to you. like , if you dont want to die, dont drink and drive. you are saying that dont get your hopes up to aviod beiong upset?

Me- you can not drink and still get killed. it happens all the time. you can drink and not get killed. people are so mistaken in thinking that they everything has a set cause and effect. yes. i'm saying that....in a sense. i'm saying don't set expectations. don't say 'we will be together forever'. you can only determine what you are in the exact second you are in. that's as much control as we have. and some people won't admit that because it scares them. not having control over their destiny terrifies people.

Him- im not scared of not having control over my destiny. but i do have some control.

Me-what do you think you have control over?

Him-i have choosen to go to cooking school... that will make me happy as i enjoy cooking and that i will beable to get a job when ever and were ever i want

Me-see? you're diong it right there. 'that will make me happy'. how do you know? seriosuly. don't just be stubborn for argument's sake. actually think about it. again 'i will be able to get a job whenever and wherever i want.' that's a huge expectation right there

Him- its true though

Me- ok. that's fine. if you truly believe that, then that's just you. i'm not telling you it's wrong, i''m just showing youhow you're setting expectations. maybe for you its' not a bad thing

Him- its not. also if your more confidant , then you have a better chance at things like a job. if you walk in to a interview thinking, i have no chance,, then you can kiss the job good bye. but if you are thinking: i got what it takes, im going to get it. you have a much better chance

Me- i am confident. but i'm confident only in the things that i can control. like how i react. you don't understand me. i don't say 'i have no chance' that in itself is setting an expectation, don't you get it? i go into the job and say 'i'm am walking into a job interview right now. that is all that i know. i don't know the outcome, but i am fine with whatever happens.' if i get it, great. if i don't, i move on. too many people confuse optimism with naiivety. you want to say that i am a pessimist, but i'm not. i'm a realistic optimist. which gets me a lot further because i am fine with whatever happens. i am careful not to say what i think is 'good' or 'bad'. who am i to decide? things that others would consider 'bad', i consider a test. have you heard of the quote, "the best friend you can have is an enemy?" think about it for a sec and if you can't figure it out, i'll tell you how i interpret it.

Him- .......someone to point out your mistakes and bad things?

Me-well.. i don't know what you meant by that. but i look at it like this. having a good friend is easy. it makes you feel good. happy. if you lose that friend, you feel empty. like you're less.. you're incomplete. an enemy is different. they teach you patience, understanding, cooperation, etc. the list goes on. you learn so much from them. if they go away, you don't mind. you don't feel any less. you've learned how to become a stronger person. you don't feel like you've lost anything. not to say that friends are not as important, just pointint something out that not many people think about. you lose something when you lose a friend. you gain when you lose an enemy.

Him- i get what your saying, its just negitive. i am just a strong beliver in positve thinking.

Me- YOU see it as negatvie. but you don't understand; you can't grasp the fact that my thinking IS positive. it's just different from yours, and therefore you abandon it as opposite yours. you label it because you assume you have the authority to say what is right and what is wrong

Him- i think it is a negitive, but it not all bad