Calls me on the phone, tells me all the ways that he's gonna mess me up...

God. This is my only escape. You can always tell when I'm disturbed... because I write constantly. Like I said, though; "It all just ends up ink on paper." It does nothing.

I can't watch home videos. They make me....sad. Even other people's. Do you ever notice how sickeningly happy everyone is? I watch all the grins and all the care-free attitudes and it just makes me sink. I can't stand them. I have no videos of myself when I'm really young. The videos start when I'm about seven. Before that; it's all pictures. Freeze-framed plastic eyes and hints of wallpaper. Ceramic smiles. Faces distorted in silent laughter. My parents. Parents always stand out for me. Especially in the videos. Do you see how they act? Completely and utterly happy. Truly happy. I mean, they were probably bogged down with overdue bills, dirty laundry, and kids growing up too fast; but you can't tell. Their expressions have no hint of negativity. You know what? They look in love. And I look in love. With life. I look so comfortable. All I had to worry about was learning to walk, and where my next meal was coming from. I was safe.

I hate memories. But they're all I have. If I had videos then I could forget everything. I could forget the house on King Road with the geese that chased me. I could forget the Queen Charlotte's. I could forget all the different schools, all the fill-in family members, all the times I couldn't see my mom, all the holidays, the bruised knees, broken bones, broken hearts, belongings left behind, houses on the water, vacations..........the list goes on. I could forget it all. I wouldn't have to worry about it disappearing. And I wouldn't have to think about it from time to time to make sure I still remembered.

Fuck. Fine. I really don't care anymore. I don't care what the hell happens. I don't.

Um... No idea who that was directed at. It just came out. Well I need to leave now. I'm going to my mom's for a couple days. I'm sure I'll have nothing to tell when I get back. Miss me.






"Your bright eyes burn through my exploding heart."
-Bright Eyes