What would your lover say, drowned in the weight of it all?

"Hold on a sec, I have to walk through my house!"

Ok. I got the idea to write something when I'm stoned. To laugh at later. So here goes! Cuz right now I'm stoned. I'm eating Pop-Tarts. I'm going to write what I'm feeling. 1) Like I can do ANYTHING. Fly. Be somewhere else. Fuck Led Zeppelin is RAD when you're stoned. 2) God. The notes, music. It's all so good I want to dance. Everything feels so good! Food tastes really good. Better than usual. Everything else can FUCK OFF! Cuz I'm right here and that's all that matters. My head is flying. 3) Mouth is dry. Will this be funny tomorrow? 5 years from now? Fuck this song is sweet. My cheeks are buzzing. This weed is awesome. I'm gonna look closer at this pasta. BRB. Ok. This munchies thing. It's like I'm not even hungry. I'm eating for the taste. What it does to my mouth. And I'll forget what I was doing, so I'll just keep shoveling food in. HAHA! Ok, this would be way better hot. MICROWAVE TIME! I thought of a bunch of shit to write on here but now I forget it. I wish 1000 people were here. Ok best idea. Tomorrow EMAIL this to ppl so they can see how dumb it is when you get stoned. This song creeps me out. I wish I was on an adventure. I'M GONNA BLOG THIS! I don't just like the taste of food right now. I like the TEXTURE. The Ocean! FUCK YEAH! Thank you, Zep. MULTITASKING! Powerpuff Girls Books. You save me! I'm so much mellower this time. But I'm still having SO much fun. EVERYTHING is so much cooler. The feeling. Touching something. I don't care about a goddamn thing right now. Hold on. Note to self: Next time bring POPROCKS. THINGS TO DO NEXT TIME: light bright, lazer tag, Back to the Future, snow, cool books to look at, CYBER CITY, SCIENCE WORLD!!!!! Whipped cream, Billy Madison. I get upstairs and immediately forget how I got here. I keep totally zoning out. Just forgetting what I'm doing. I'm scared this may become addicting. The feeling, not the drug. Maybe the drug too... I'm so tired. Ok, lights off would be cool right now. I'm gonna go trip out and listen to A Perfect Circle. Maybe I'll write more later.


"Hey, shhh. Listen...there's babies!"

The morning after another escape. 5:57 AM. I awoke to the sounds of new life beginning right outside my window, and I left to join the morning with hopes of a similarily-fresh start. The end of the dock and a large coffee offered temporary solace....
My head feels clear...which is nice. I can't shake the feeling that what I did last night will become an addiction. When I'm like that, I don't care about anything. The whole world becomes my own personal playground, within which I can do whatever and be whoever I want. Right now it's 7 AM. I smell boat fuel and feel myself being gently rocked by swells in the ocean. I feel good. But as good as last night? Maybe. Do I need anything to help me feel good? Sometimes. I can say honestly that last night's events were escape. No purpose, no meaning. Escape, pure and simple.
Really deep down, something tells me this is right. You and I are partners, just like you said. I feel we are meant to be connected. So why can't I just accept that feeling? I've tried talking it through with myself. Maybe you're right. Let's just live in the moment because we know that right now is good. It could change, but I'm ready for that too. Hm... that calm is creeping back. I think the doubt inside of me is merely my own reminder to stay on my toes. You mean so much to me, but you could be gone tomorrow. Whatever we have could fade away. I want to get up and just yell, "Finally! I get it! I'm ok again!", but something stronger makes me want to just sit and absorb. I never want to lose this part of me. This doubt. The uncertainty. The fear. It all makes me who I am. See, this is what I truly crave. Someone who keeps me guessing. Someone who let's me be unsure of the status of everything. I don't want to know everything. I don't want to think, "Hey, I've got this all figured out." For once, it's not trapped under my thumb. It's up over my head and all I can do is look and enjoy the fact that it's there. I can't pull it down and ball it up and lay it out so I can trace it like a map. It's all just out of my reach and, finally, I'm comfortable with that. Take what's right in front of me; the ocean. Like they say; you can never dip into the same ocean twice. Maybe it's river, but who cares, same idea. It's never constant. Never fully calm. Always moving even when it appears to be still. Inside is an environment that houses an astoundingly diverse array of life. Animals that adjust to the salt and move with the flow of current. The only thing about the ocean that stays the same, is the fact that it's always changing. Just like everything else, really. I am smack dab in the middle of a vortex of unpredictability. Why is it that humans become so attached to and dependant on stability, when no aspect of life is truly stable? Where do we get the impression that routine brings comfort? Nothing about life is routine! It baffles me. Hm. That feeling is definitely back. That peace. That stillness. The comfort. And I know it will change. Something will come up again, and I will embrace it, surround myself with it, pick it apart, put it back together, and find a way of getting over it. Now I know why I've always wanted to live in a big city. It's always 'on'. People don't understand why I don't have a craving for a little cottage in the middle of nowhere. I could find comfort there, too, but there's no challenge in that for me. It's not 'getting away from it all'. Getting away from it all, for me, is being right in the middle of everything. Surrounded by activity. That's why sleep was so hard to come by when I was young. My parents said I always wanted to be part of the action. If other people were awake, I didn't want to be left out. It's my nature. I feel lucky to come by that naturally......
It's absolutely gorgeous out here. As good as this is, I know fully well I am still at rock bottom. Slowly climbing up whatever it is I started climbing about two months ago. I'm going forward, but I'm not really going anywhere. People will probably interpret that in different ways. I feel different. But not higher nor lower than any other part of my life. I don't feel any more worthy, nor any more elightened. I'm just a day older, really....
I've been thinking about death a lot lately. Again, that will be interpreted in many ways. It used to terrify me to think that there was nothing after death. It just didn't make any sense that life was so....complex, and death was so opposite that. But really, could it be any other way? I consider it a perfect way to end life. Everything just stops. Why are humans so obsessed with heaven and the afterlife? Because they're afraid of change. They're afraid of the unknown. So many people say, "I'm not afraid of dying. There's heaven/the afterlife waiting for me." They're taking false comfort in thinking that they can go on living this thing they've become accustomed to: life. But wouldn't it be more of a test to become comfortable with the idea that nothing happens after death? Nothing is the same? You just end? Many people, including myself at one time, assume that because life has so many different parts to it, that death must be just as intricate. I can't think of a more fitting way to end life than for it to just end. Sure, maybe there is a heaven. Maybe you do go on to live other lives. Evidently, though, we don't remember this. So, what you have now; everything you feel and think and believe and do; everything you are; it ends. What you are now will never 'be' again.

I was thinking.....There would be no point to living if you knew the purpose of life. Think about that. If you have everything figured out, where do you go from there? You can't go forward, because there's nowhere to go. You might as well not exist. For instance; when you eat, the need for food disappears. When you inhale, the need for oxygen goes away. Momentarily, of course, but do you get the point? If you figure life out, there's no point in living. In the past, I've gone about my ways trying to 'understand', because I thought that once I understood, I'd finally be able to 'live'. What I didn't 'get' was that I'm living right now. I have everything figured out because I have nothing figured out. This concept reaches right to the boundaries of my understanding, but it means something. People have discovered this before me, I think, but I never really took it in until I discovered it and walked through it myself. I know everything because I know nothing. See, I'm not quite grasping that entirely, but the seed of that idea has been planted, and its roots have taken hold.

I was just thinknig about how society regards children. Some think because they don't really know anything, that they are inferior. Truthfully, though, they are the perfect example of superiority. Look at kids. Young ones. Everything they do is genuine. The cry when they're tired or hungry. They react. And they never doubt their reactions. They never doubt themselves. Every part of their existence is pure, and not by the way we regard them, but by the way they regard themselves. They're just living...pure and simple. The simplest form of human existence; a baby; suddenly becomes the most complex.




"Restless, fed up, tough and clever. Wishing this would last forever. It's futile when you know it won't."
-Pretty Girls Make Graves