This feeling always used to pass. Seems like it's every day, seems like it's every night now....

I left in shoes that temporarily soothed my feet, and went to the park up the street with a notebook and Bright Eyes. I sat and rested my back on a tree. Then I sat in the grass. Then I found myself laying with my face to the sky. I traced the shapes of the treetops and watched the milky clouds drip across the blue backdrop of atmosphere. And then I wrote...

Sometimes it seems what I'm feeling now is undesirable. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I never want to go back to what I had before. I don't want to feel comfortable again. I don't want anything to be the same. Nothing means anything anymore and that's not a bad thing. I've just cut the cord that used to keep me so in touch with the world. And now that I'm floating away from it, I finally see everything more clearly. I've been thinking about Amanda. When she died, it was such a huge deal because everyone was so busy in their happy, predictable lives, and everyone thought; "How could she leave this?" I wondered it myself. Where did she find the courage to just end it? But it's different now. I'm not afraid of that kind of thing. Life doesn't mean as much. My existence isn't significant. I have no worth. People won't admit that because they're afraid of saying they don't mean anything. Or maybe it's different for everyone else. Maybe they feel connected to the earth. Maybe they feel important and worthy. Everything around me is just sensual. It's nothing. It's incident and reaction, incident and reaction. My body is just a body. Just flesh, bone, nerves, blood. It's nothing. Why do we assume our lives are so important? Why are we so shocked when someone dies? What's the big deal? Do you notice that only we react when life is lost? When someone dies, the grass continues to grow. The wind still blows. The planets still orbit. It doesn't mean anything. There's no significance. It's just a life lost. It's a halted train of thought. It's ceased breath.
I feel like I'm sliding deeper and deeper down into something, but I'm not really getting any lower. I have never felt this. It's wierd. But it's not scary anymore. I'm more comfortable than ever.
If death is so simple and meaningless, then there must be a reason why we live....isn't there?

Before I knew it, I was awoken by a short burst of wind against my cheek. I hadn't even realized I had fallen asleep.