A silence so heavy, broken hearts fall from throats....

I've been sleeping. 5 hour nights and afternoon naps. My eyes love to be closed just as much as they love to be open now. Mind you, I still crave the night when 11-o-clock rolls around and I'm restless beneath the sheets. I let the phone ring and the messages build up. I'm sorry to those I became unavailable to, I merely decided to take advantage of the fact that my mind let me rest.

Last night was Allison's going away party. There were classy martini's and a mysteriously-hot waiter. We sat in the elevated booth in Acme and discussed all the things that girls discuss when they've been away from one another for too long. The night became blurry. Cigars and more booze, pipes passed 'round in a living room, seeing my Mom. My friends became an audience, and I was their play. Before we left, my Mom pulled me close and my nose touched her warm neck. She whispered words that have escaped me by now, and then sent me on my way into the night. At home, I layed on my back in the yard and waited for the meteor shower. I saw one or two before getting tired, and left the grass for the softness of my bed.

Before that, there was another night. A more-than-needed dose of T3's, and a cigar. Shakey camera work, and a suffocating nausea pitted deep in my bones. I ran from the darkness of the theatre and threw up lunch and dinner.

I've decided to contact NIC about my pending application, and if it's still valid, I will go next year. That way, I can use all of my post-secondary money, and I have a decent shot at a successful job. I can travel anywhere I want as a nurse. I can go overseas if I want. I can make enough money to live comfortably, and provide a solid foundation for any kids. And yes, I've admitted that it's inevitable that I will have a kid someday. I mean, everyone knows that kids are absolutely addicted to me, and I'm pretty good with them, too. But regardless, that won't be happening until I'm at least thirty.
Anyway, hopefully I can get over my suffocating fear of needles before I start school. Biology was my best subject, and I love helping people; I'm fine with everything else except the shots. There's always a need for nurses, and I have that wierd almost instinctual urge to care about everyone else. The travel aspect is the most appealing, and I won't get that opportunity as easily if I don't get my shit together. Now, I know that it's imperative that I don't start anything long-term here. I don't want any ties if I have to move to Courtenay next year. It kind of sucks because now I will have to avoid guys, and knowing my luck, now that I've decided I don't want a relationship, I'll be drowned in them. But no, it's not going to happen.

And now onto more important things....
I was thinking. The world is chaos. Chaos housed in a shell of structure. In fact, even constant chaos is a form of structure, itself. Everything has a backbone, and everything has a set of rules. Everything is run by cause and effect. No matter how off-track and insane the world becomes, the world still orbits and the sun still rises and sets. Chaos is conatined and controlled. The world we were born into has limits that cannot be broken with the skills and knowledge we posess. We are extremely limited in a physical sense, and not so much in a mental sense, to test boundaries and bend rules. Our mind allows us to time travel, but our bodies keep us planted in the present tense: another example of chaos contained in structure. So, the mind is the chaos inside the structure of our bodies. The chaos of millions upon millions of bodies is contained inside the structure of the planet Earth. The chaos of dying stars and changing atmosphere is contained inside a form of structure that we haven't discovered yet. We don't know what contains the Universe, or if the Universe is the limit of space. And what about the mind? It is seemingly limitless, but it does have boundaries, so therefore, it has structure. What is contained by the mind? We don't know. We don't know what contains the Universe, and we don't know what is contained by the mind. Could the Universe be the only thing without an end and the mind be the only thing without a beginning? If so, what does that mean? Let's take something simpler; the body. The body has limits, because it can expire. Contained in the body is a chaotic dance of dying and multiplying cells; chemical reactions; and systems of constant movement, (which can all be categorized structurally by cause-and-effect, and the repetitive behavior of bodily functions). So, we'll start with the body, which can represent the mind for a moment, as a form of structure that contains chaos. The body's limits protect it from self destruction. Without boundaries, the human body wouldn't last long in its physical form. The mind is a structure containing, (presumably), no form. It is constantly growing and changing. The limits of thought are always being extended/ pushed/ broken. The mind is an open book; constantly seekin growth and input. So, the question that comes out of this is: What is contained by the limits, (or structure), of the mind? When we talk about chaos, on the other hand, we can use the cells and chemical reactions inside the body as an example. There is only so far the chaos can go, for example: if we cut of oxygen, the body dies. Because the chaos has limits, it must follow certain guidelines in order to work within the structure of the body. The question derived from this, when considering the Universe, is: What is the Universe limited by? Perhaps the mind can have no beginning, because the limits and boundaries are constantly changing. Subsequently, perhaps the Universe can have no structure, to ensure the possibility of change.
As far as we can perceive, the Universe and the mind are exceptions to the rule of Chaos/Structure. Using this assumption, can one also hypothesize that the Universe and the mind are exempt from other rules that govern life? Take, for instance, the concept of a beginning and an end. A baby is born, which is a beginning. It dies, and that's the end. Same with plants and animals, etc. The planet Earth itself had a beginning, and will have an end at some time. Could the Universe have no beginning and no end? It's a hard concept to fathom, because we cannot grasp something having no beginning and no end. It makes no logical sense to the human mind.
The mind is obviously limited by the death of the body, so if it has an end, where is its beginning? What is the point of it having limits if it has nothing to benefit from those limits?
So. The Universe is not limited by anything, therefore it has no beginning or end? And the mind has structure and limits, but for what purpose?

And that's as far as I can get alone. For now.









"We'll have to fall in line. Follow, live, love, and die."
-Moneen