Smells like the death of the last great cause, but you and I, we've been through that....

Dreams came quickly. My subconcscious knew that I wouldn't sleep for long. They flashed like old home movies.....halted...fuzzy.

There was a woman. She was old and comfortably eccentric. She kept appearing and disappearing above me in clouds of dust, like Nightcrawler from X-Men. I tried to speak, but she told me, without moving her lips, that I didn't have to. We read eachother's minds. She sensed the anguish on my face.
"What did it mean? Why does it feel like this is the wrong path? What am I afraid of?"
She smiled, and her face cracked to accomodate stretched lips. She knew, but she wouldn't tell me. I got increasingly frustrated, chasing her smoke clouds around the room with my eyes. She wouldn't stay still. I couldn't focus. Then she spoke.
"You saved eachother, can't you see that?" She held up two halves of some sort of sphere, then brought them together, "Complete."
I didn't understand, the questions still burned on my tongue. My eyes pleaded for answers. I wanted to know everything. Suddenly, she was still. Right beside my face. I could feel the heat of her body and the tickle of her breath. She leaned in to whisper in my ear.
"One of you wasn't ready to be saved."

Early Sunday morning, I wrote....
It's almost three am. I work today. I want to leave more than ever, now. My body screams for rest, but my mind is relentless. My muscles heave in degenerating sighs. I'm scared of what is bubbling up beneath my skin. The need to just tell you everything. Why it hurts so much. Could I find the words? Would they make their way out of my head and into the air? Could I relive emotionless nights and indifferent touch? His hands on me were always an afterthought. I used and was used. I didn't recognize myself.
And then there was the other one. Who would have thought he had two sides. A hunger so deep, it turned a blind eye to tears spilled on a pillow. It wasn't me in that body. It was someone weaker. Someone who wanted to be hurt.
You. The breath of fresh air, quickly exhaled. Too quickly. Not enough time for the pure oxygen to make everything clean. Just enough time to tease my lungs and tighten my chest.

Back to square one. I have walked here so many times, my footprints have made craters. These holes always feel a little deeper. One day, I won't make it out.


The beach. A repeat setting. The sky darkened and everything got a little sharper. I wanted to magnify the rocks, the leaves. I wanted to see each individual cell, I wanted to break everything down into its original organic state and find out how it worked. I forgot how easy it was to have fun like this. My mind was cloudy, but thoughts were defined and captivating. I wanted to swim in the water, and feel my blood go icy. Guards came and shone flashlights on the rocks. We hushed our words, and felt the fear bundle tightly in our throats. I didn't want the night to end, but it did. Swiftly. I slept for four hours and went to work.










"I'll never sleep. Who will tell me how stupid I am? Who will keep me from lashing out?"
-Alexisonfire