What will bring me home?

Yesterday I decided to visit my mom. I rode my bike downtown, and on the way I saw two panhandlers. They didn't look homeless, they just looked dirty, so I figured they were hitchhikers. Sure enough, they were on their way to Tofino. They had a sign asking for money or a ride. I had neither, so I bought them dinner at Wendy's and wished them goodluck.

My mom and I talked for hours, before I rode home with the setting sun.
"I'm proud of what you turned out to be. You're a good one."

Just as I reached the trail that lead home, I saw a woman standing in the road, looking vaguely concerned. She was opening her mouth to speak, but of course I couldn't hear her because of my headphones. I rode up to her and asked her what was wrong.
"I heard tires squealing. I think someone might have been hurt." This lady looked like she had no idea what was going on. Her clothes and hair were disheveled, and her thin arms were weighted down with plastic bags of blackberries.
"Oh. I thought I heard that, too," I told her. She stood in the crosswalk with worry staining her face, and tried to form sentences.
"Listen, I'll ride my bike down and make sure everything's ok." So I did. Some guy was having car troubles and didn't seem to want any help, so I rode back up to the crosswalk lady, and let her know that everything was ok.
"Thank you," she breathed. I told her to have a good day, and continued home. As I was riding, a thought came to me. Why are we so attracted to pain? Why do we feel drawn to the sick? Why did I run to that car crash months ago, without thinking of my own safety first? I think it all has to do with fear and loneliness. These days, everything is impersonal. Do you ever wonder why there's so many awkward silences? Because we're used to sitting behind screens and clicking little x's when we're sick of talking to people. In real life, BRB doesn't really have any validity. The only time people really come together is during crisis. Crisis draws people together. You can tell when someone's truly lonely, because they'll act like they have every disease on the planet. I've done it. I think we've all done it. It's also frequently called 'attention-getting'. Some teen figures if he slits his wrists, people will love him more. I'm definitely not making light of wrist slitting. Some people do it for entirely different reasons. Anyway. It was just a thought that entered my head.

I feel better. Not entirely good, but definitely better. And I have a few things to say now that I've had some time to think. At first, the thoughts wanted to explode out of me. Now they've sat and been refined by the steady wave of mental repetition. They're being corroded until only the necessary words are left. It's a wake-up call. Something I need to hear just as much as I need to say. Those words will come later.

 

 

 

 

 

"I hope I never figure out who broke your heart, and if I do, I'll spend all night losing sleep."
-Tegan and Sara