We came, we played, we drifted away.....

Gone again. I didn't realize it until I discovered that I didn't recognize you. Then I understood why everything felt so wrong. You were still there, but the one I once knew was dead. I hope everything is better for you now. I'm glad you've found the 'right' path.

There's nothing I can do, but I don't feel as hopeless anymore. I'll go on alone again. Learn alone. I'll keep my eyes to the sky and ask questions. I'll see how far I can get with one-sided philosophy before someone comes along who thinks like this. It's wierd. I feel like I've figured most things out, but it didn't get me anywhere. I feel more let down than most people. They say that ignorance is bliss, so what is knowledge? My body has seperated into two parts. Heart and mind. They no longer sway eachother, which is ideal. One side can be hindered, and the other will go on unaffected.

"This wind is pissing me off. Let's go inside."
We sat in my room with the window wide open, until Janelle came home from work and announced that her mom was there. Allison and I remained in my room until she left, and then continued on with our 'leisurely activities'.
"Would you get that the fuck out of my room! That's what the open window is for!"
The phone rang, and we left it unanswered. By the time we checked the messages, we were past the point of rationality.
"Fuck. My mom is coming back over to return some stuff."
I freaked out and locked myself in the bathroom. Allison stayed in my room. Janelle took care of things, and then decided to take advantage of my stupidity and tell me that my parents just pulled into the driveway. I experienced a whole new kind of fear at that moment.
"Uh...shit...fuck...tell them I'm not here! Oh goddamnit. I'm dead."
She was kidding. I could have killed her. The rest of the night passed by in a blur. I ate ice cream and we all went to see The Village. Coincidentally, Denise from work ended up sitting behind us. The movie wasn't as scary as it looked, which was good. For me. At the time.

Anyway. It's my night off. I'm not sure what I'll end up doing. I was thinking of waiting for darkness, and then going to the beach. I feel like being by myself tonight. I was thinking last night about that huge post I wrote a couple days ago. I had explained a lot about my family and my childhood, but I really didn't get a chance to talk about what I am now. I don't think I appreciate people. I can't take compliments or praise, I'll usually somehow brush them off. I also tend to actively ignore affection. I don't necessarily want to do that, but I don't know how you learn to do otherwise. Last night, I tried to think of ways to get 'better', for lack of an adequately-descriptive word. I decided that I need to meet more people. Different people. Lately, I haven't been making any attempt to explore outside my comfortable circle of acquantances, and I think it's about time. I'm not too sure how I'm going to do this....but I'm going to. Maybe I should start with getting out of the goddamn house.

Know what bugs the hell out of me? The fact that close to every product that is made these days, is made to break down. It's not an honest design flaw, or poor manufacturing. No, it's on purpose. Everything you buy is meant to have a short life, so that you'll have to buy replacements. I was thinking about how they're going to stop making VHS soon. I don't want to sound like my grandparents, what with the whole anti-progressive-technology attitude, but I'm kind of pissed off. DVD's suck. You could kick a VHS tape around the room like a soccer ball, and it would survive with minimal damage. It's not just tapes and cd's though, I see this whole use-and-replace mentality with other things. Everything is disposable these days, which seems highly ludicrous, due to clearly evident waste problems. Are companies fucking retarded? Or are they just like the rest of us people: IGNORANT. Here's a novel idea: let's perpetuate our impending death-by-trash-asphyxiation by making every single cleaning product a THROW-AWAY ONE. Or: hey, we're on water restrictions, let's WASH OUR GODDAMN DRIVEWAY!!!!!!!(?) It drives my insane. It makes sense, corporately, but not morally. I can see the other side to it, and it's not rocket science. You buy something, and the logical method of keeping business running is the need to buy replacements. Makes perfect sense. So how did we keep business running back in the days when products were reliable? I don't know.

So maybe I sound like a hippie. Oh well. Some things just baffle me. In an intriguing sort of way. I am fascinated by people. How they think, how they act, why they do what they do. I am absolutely stunned by the lives within the human race. Remember back to 9/11, with the whole terrorist-scare bullshit? Remember back a little further to the millenium saga? People in the states and all over were sardine-ing themselves into supermarkets to buy caseloads of duct tape and bottled water. This was all a huge form of entertainment for me. I used to love sitting back and observing what was really going on. Not only with everyone else, but with myself, also. I was scared on New Year's Eve '99. Then again, I was stuck in a house alone with two very small children. I was scared when the planes hit the World Trade Centre. I remember asking my Dad if World War 3 had started. I was young back then. Now, I look back and I am amazed by how easily humans are controlled by fear. Fear doesn't even exist! It's not something we can touch, it's not something we can describe and put on a 'wanted' poster. It's all in our heads. Can you imagine how powerful we would be if we could erase the element of fear? Then again, fear does play a part in the whole fight-or-flight thing. But since when have you seen humans make the 'fight' response? Why are we always hiding behind duct taped windows and our comfortable versions of existence?

Why do I feel like part of the world is a whole lot dumber than I am? Ok, I won't say dumb... I'll say..... unawakened. I'm talking about the people who believe all the shit they see on the news. The people who read the tabloids, buy from the shopping channel, and are affected by every single word that enters into their brains. The people so far out of touch with their own intstinct, that they are basically robots. You can tell them that the new fad diet is eating dog shit, and they'd probably do it.

I wish I could go to school and take a class where you basically just talk about this kind of stuff all day. Form theories, share ideas. I don't know what you would get out of it, but I'm sure it would start a lot of 'fires', per se. That's what I really like to do. Talk philosophically and logically, and write. And help people. And observe. And learn, quench curiosity, debate, connect.

What the hell am I going to do with myself.









"It's really just a question of your honesty, yeah, your honesty."
-Rush