So you got your little world; picture-perfect, it's a pearl. Now go and try to sleep in the bed you made.....

Today was.....better. A little. I worked and talked to people and was generally cheery. On the outside, anyway. Last night was also fun. Janelle, Allison, Danica, Chase, Brian, Matt, Rick, and Joey came over and we all watched But I'm A Cheerleader (recommended, it's good.) I thought I wasn't going to enjoy myself, and I was considering just calling the whole thing off, but I figured 'what the hell.' And things went well. I hadn't seen some of these friends in a long time. Namely Matt, Brian, and Danica. Janelle brought me presents from the Pixies concert, and everyone was just really happy. I felt myself wondering why I never hang out with these people anymore. They made me feel good. Happy....ish. Anyway, I kicked them all out around 9:30, and went back to being myself. I went to bed and layed awake for about two hours. Just thinking. Trying to figure out what the hell's going on. I think it has something to do with the fact that some people I know just aren't what I thought they were. One I thought I really liked, now I always end up feeling like crap when I hang out around them. Another confided in me some thoughts on what they looked for in life, then went out and aquired the opposite. Well, the opposite in my mind. It makes me sad. Sad in that emotionless kind of way, haha. I start out really enjoying someone's company and thinking that I can really learn something from them, and then everything changes. Oh well, people change.

There have been a few times where we've talked about important things. Love, life, death, the world, the universe....etc. I saw a different side of you then. Someone extremely intelligent and insightful. Someone with so much determination that it inspired me to find some myself. You asked me what my passion was. No one had ever asked me that before. Everyone else wants to know what you're GOING to do with your life, not what you WANT to do with your life. I started thinking about that a lot more. What did I really want to do? You taught me different ways of thinking. You showed me things from another perspective. I really learned a lot from you. And then everything kind of fell apart. I find myself enjoying your company less and less. I used to look up to you in a way. Or, at least I looked towards you; valued your opinion on things, adopted some new attitudes from you (not all of them good). I thought that I had figured everything out. Then I saw someone tell you off. With no regret whatsoever, they told you straight up that you were being a dick. And I thought, "Wow. Why did I never see you that way before?" I also wondered why I had never done the same. Maybe it was fear of losing the friendship, but even that threat isn't so intimidating anymore. I don't care, really. Well... in some ways I do. There was that side of you that I kind of miss. That intelligent side, and that drive that convinced me that you really were going to make it doing what you wanted to do. I truly thought, "if anyone's going to make it, it's you." It inspired me to concentrate on my own goals much more. I made a huge jump from doing what would make me financially secure, to doing what would make me happy. I also realized a few things about myself. I thought I didn't care about anyone; that I had no compassion for other people. But then that night on the bridge, when those cars crashed, I realized I was wrong. I live for myself, but I make sure I don't hurt anyone along the way. I care about what other people think of me. I want to fix problems if I create them. I still don't like overbearing emotions though. I hate talking about stuff. I hate fighting. I hate to watch people, who I thought were strong, fall apart in front of me. But I still care. I don't hate the world. I have trust that there are sincerely good people out there. I also have faith that a lot of people want to change things for the better, just like myself. As I learned more and more about who I really was, I started wondering my reasons for doing certain things. Why do I let other people make me feel like shit? Why do I have such a hard time expressing any emotion other than anger? Why can't I say exactly what's on my mind to other people? I'm honest with people, I just censor a lot of the honesty. I choose what I'm going to tell, and what I'm going to keep to myself. I still haven't figured everything out yet. Particularily why I'm changing from the outgoing, cheerful person I used to be, to this anti-social, quiet, reserved type. I would really like to find the reason for that, cuz it baffles me. Well... I guess that's all I really have to say today.




"Are we really happy with who we are right now?"
-.moneen.



PS: Sorry for punching you in the face. (You know who you are). Accident. I promise.