Our veins are thin, our rivers poisoned...

Seven days until my birthday. I keep having to stop myself from buying cd's because I will most likely be getting gift certificates this year. I'm not even excited. I'm more.....anxious. The days are flying by much too fast. And I don't know where I'm going. I'm enrolled in college but I'm not even sure if I want to go anymore. Marylin called the other day. She asked if I was still interested in the exchange program.
"We have new placements. Korea, Spain, etc. And you're file is pretty much complete. You should really consider this."
I wasn't sure what to say. I want to go so bad. I don't want to leave the band though. And I have a commitment to Janelle and the moving-out thing. I don't want to disappoint anyone. Also, the Jeff guy emailed me and asked if I was still interested in the tree-planting job. I asked him what kind of placements he had. Why do these opportunities come all at the same time? And right after I've already hit rock bottom? Not complaining though. I'm definitely not complaining.
Nobody really understands what I'm going through right now, and I wish I could explain it. I feel tied down here. I feel like I've made the wrong choices. I don't want to go to school for four years. I want to go experience something. I'm not ready to commit to anything like that. I have problems with commitment, haha. I think if I spend anymore time here, I'm going to make myself miserable. I can't explain this to anyone though. My parents would never understand the fact that I am fine with the whole 'starving artist' persona. I'm fine with holding off on college until I really know what I want to do. I'm fine with packing up and leaving everything behind for awhile. I feel out of place here. Everyone else knows what they're doing. They've got their relationships and their jobs and their school. I feel like I don't really have anything. I feel like a total asshole though. I have made promises, and I don't intend to break them. I just don't know what I'm going to do to fix 'this'. I also have a problem with asking for help. I don't like other people having to deal with my shit. Even if I could really use some good advice, I would never actively seek it. So I guess, instead, I come and bitch on here and hope someone decides to give me some ideas.




"Some people have the tendency of sucking the life out of me."
-Apex Theory