Is there anything worth looking for? Worth loving for? Worth lying for?

Oh man. I had such a good two days! Last night after work, Trevor picked me up and we went to the Gabriola ferry to meet Peter. Trevor told me Adam from the Dastardlies might be joining our band, so soon we will be complete. Anyway, we picked Pete up and went to the place he was housesitting at. It was a really nice house with a gorgeous view. We busted out some tea and food, and sat around on the huge leather couch. It was nice just the three of us. Bonding, haha. Peter felt he needed to inform us that he had shaved his balls. Oh god, I think I'm going to fit in perfectly in an all-male band. We each had an acoustic guitar and we decided to jam a little. One of us would make up a lick, and then the other two would add onto it. We would change parts and harmonize and get louder and softer, all in unison. I was just totally blown away with how well the three of us work together. I still can't stop talking about it. Unfortunately, we didn't record anything we wrote, but it was still fun. Ahh! I'm so excited! The three of us get along really well too. We synchronise musically, and we all have the same sense of humour. Well, after jamming for a good 3 hours, we all passed out on the couch. All three of us. It was quite cute. Haha I pointed out that I felt pretty special sleeping with two half-naked guys. I woke up around 7:15 in the morning, and layed around until the doorbell rang at 9-ish. It was Peter's mom with a basket full of easter chocolate. How sweet. The three of us got up to eat and get ready. Pete and I made tea, and I stood out on the deck to look at the ocean. It was a stunning morning and I was in a really good mood. When the house was clean again, we headed to Peter's to record. We practiced a couple songs for our upcoming show (April 20, NDSS, lunch time), then we recorded a new one. The boys convinced me to lay a vocal track on one of the quiet parts, and reluctantly, I agreed. They both said it sounded really good, and they didn't know I could sing. I didn't know I could sing, haha. We took the ferry home around 3, and Trevor drove me home. So overall, it was a fucking rad weekend. Today is my day off, and I was hoping that something was happening, but it's already like 7, so I guess not. That sounds so lame, I know, but I have to go to bed at like 9. So shut up. Hahahaha oh fuck, that last thing I remember Peter saying before we went to sleep last night was, 'I used to know this girl with the last name Van Asseldonk'. Holy fuck, I almost pissed myself. Gooooood times. I'm so hyper right now. I'm still in jam mode. I want to be playing music really loud right now. I could fucking record all day if I had the chance. I LOVE doing this kind of stuff! I'm so psyched! Ok. I'm going to stop trying to convey in writing how absolutely thrilled I am with this band.

I'm in a wierd type of mindset lately. I'm so ready to get completely focused on my music, that I've stopped being disappointed by other areas of my life. There have been a few people that have let me down in the last little while. Actually, there's been many, but I've kind of figured out which people are worth spending time with, and which are worth forgetting about. I'm still not completely giving up on anyone though. Who knows what could happen in the next little while.

So I heard you were genuinely concerned. Isn't that....well....surprising. Back when you were something important, and back when I watched how I acted around you; this might have been a big deal. We're still holding hands, but this time I'm the one on the bridge, and you're the one waiting for me to make a choice. Could I drop you? Easily enough. It would be a shame, because we made a small dent in the past, and erasing that would be like ripping a chapter from a book. The funny thing is, you say you want to let yourself in, as if you can do something to fix me. Well you already walked into me, did the damage, and nailed the door shut on your way out.

And as for you. I know you still have those feelings. The one's that linger on your tips of your fingers and the whites of your eyes after dreaming of me. If I came back, you would take me in a second. But I can't come back. It's all about going the opposite way now. I'm not interested in the past. I'm trying to make it just that.

How long do I have to wait? Hiding behind the long line of fated tales. Disguised by a crutch of doubt. Whispering things that don't quite reach my ears. I don't know you're there. You don't know I'm here. We'll meet in some watered-down soap opera fantasy and I'll probably look the other way. I only find courage subconsciously. You'll fit words into sentences and toss them like fishing line, hoping for a bite. Somewhere within time, our eyes will learn to meet, and our skin will learn to touch without the prickle of unfamiliarity. We will both become so drunk with the thought of things to come; dark skies, undeveloped photographs, shifting and loitering in the night's heat. Calloused toes. A touch softer than air. Floating and drowning. "Are you hungry for more?" And all I have to do is wait, they say. Well the wait is as thick as.

Definitely enough pouring my little emo heart out for tonight.




"It makes me sick, it makes me laugh when I shouldn't, kill what I came to keep alive."
-Matthew Good Ban