I can watch but not take part; where I end and where you start. Where you, you left me alone....

It's been a couple days.....Yesterday I bought some cd's and I spent way too much money, but who cares, it's music. I bought Pretty Girls Make Graves (The New Romance), Modest Mouse (The Moon and Antarctica), Led Zeppelin (House of the Holy), and Radiohead (Hail to the Thief). So basically I've been listening to music non-stop. Jason and I hung out after work that day, and later in the evening I had some people over to watch a movie. It was fun to have part of the ol' group together. Emphasis on 'part'. We ate discounted easter cookies and made awkward small-talk.

Sunday night, despite the fact that I had to work the next day, I went out. I rode in Jason's car and we went to some wooded area to play a good ol' fashioned game of night-hide-and-seek. I didn't know three-quarters of the people there. Just the theatre crew and such. Before the game started, we decided to relocate to the seawall. I teamed up with Jackie and we hid in a tree. Two rounds later, we split up and I hid on my own. I climbed on top of the bathroom building and laid down to wait for everyone to give up. I was alone for a good half-hour and it was kind of refreshing. The night was warm. No one could see me. I looked at the stars and had a pretty good think-session. I can sit for hours in complete silence and just think. It's a handy talent to have. Needless to say, I won hide-and-seek. Jason drove me home and I slept for 4 hours before heading to work.

After work today, I walked home in the sun, listening to Radiohead, and slowly caving into introvert-mode. I don't know what it is lately, but I've been a lot quieter. There's too much going on inside my head. Jason, Miles, and Nick came over around 3 and we went out to put up posters. Two hours later, Jason drove me home. That's about all I did today. But the night is young.

I was wondering today. Which is what I do when routine has become something to examine more closely. I asked myself a question. Which is how I act when things start to calm down, and the world stops spinning. I reached a point where I can take many steps forward, but never really get anywhere. So I asked myself what it is I want from you. Recognition? Infatuation? A parallel state of mind? I'm sick of trying to make you into what I want. I'm sick of trying to make myself into what you need. *I want to live in a city with no friends or family* There's something inside of me that has had enough of waiting on the sidelines; watching as the movies play. It's coming out now, breaking right through the top, splitting me in two and leaving the halves behind. I'm not going to 'go out a get' any longer. If someone wants something, they can come to me. I have found a new focus. I'm am going music-crazy. It is the closest thing to a drug that I can think of. If I could condense music into a syringe, and inject it directly into my veins, I would be on a corner somewhere on Hastings, selling myself for the next hit. God what a morbid analogy.

Turn it on cuz I like to watch it blink. I like to watch the lightstreams find their place in the air; become misdirected by some animate object; split and fall onto the wall, suspended in paused intertia. I like to sit amongst shades of purple-made-black and ask questions that don't need answers. All I want to do right now is stay. Feel the space around me thicken so much I have to push to move. Taste all the different ways I can stunt the growth of thought.




"Everyone wants two of themselves and half of everyone else who's around."
-Modest Mous