Sitting here watching you, sitting here watching me, sitting here watching you melt away...

Back again. Who knows why. I have to get up early tomorrow, but I'm just not tired. Band practice today. Trevor announced that he was quitting and there was a big discussion that followed, during which I played the part of the moderator, as usual. My dad knows the owner of Canadian Tire and he's going to try and get me a job. I'm still excited about Sears though, especially because it's in the morning. If Canadian Tire turns out to be full-time, then I'll definitely be more interested. Canadian Tire's also fucking far from my mom's place, and I'll have to bike it if I'm downtown. Man, I just realized what total bullshit I write on here all day. I swore it wouldn't become one of those boring typical online journals, and look what happened. Oh well, who gives a shit. Now I will ramble about some trivial crap. So there's this guy. I guess you could say we're friends. I like him more than that, though. I've talked to him about some pretty deep stuff before, and I've seen a side of him that he doesn't let out very often. It's that side of him that keeps convincing me that he's worth wasting all this energy over. But then there's this other side of me: the dominant, more pessimistic side, that says, "Fuck him. He doesn't realize what he's missing, so why the hell bother?" I keep see-sawing back and forth between the two opinions and it's emotionally exhausting. I know I should concentrate on more important things, but there's just that little voice in the back of my head that tells me to wait and see. The aggravating thing is having to pretend all the time. Pretend that I don't care about him as much as I do. Pretend that I could care less what happens between us. Pretend that I'm interested in other guys. I'm a pretty easy-going person, though. I'm the type who will just sit and wait for events to unfold. I don't show a lot of emotion, and I tend to keep my problems to myself (ha, as I'm writing this on public access). I do get a little pissed off sometimes though. Particularly when I don't understand why things happen the way they do. But, I just wait, and eventually the meaning of it all becomes perfectly clear. So I guess there is a reason why I'm not with this person. It just sucks, that's all. How 'bout we talk about relationships in general. My last was a long-term one and it made me realize that I don't want to do the same thing again. I don't mind a long-term relationship, but I don't need the expectations that come along with it. After you're with someone for a year or more, it's like you're supposed to be together forever, no matter what. When I became unhappy and wanted out of the relationship, it turned into a huge deal. What, am I just supposed to sit there and be miserable? Why do guys expect you to sign your souls away? I'll sign my soul away when I find the person that I KNOW I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. Wait, fuck that, I'll never sign my soul away. Why can't dating be more realistic? I just want a guy who wants a girl, who won't cheat on me, and won't expect me to fall head over heels for him. I don't want to talk about marriage when I'm 18. I want to be with somebody and enjoy what it's like to care about someone, and not have to worry about how long it will last. If things start to go wrong, then fine, we'll end it there. No drama, no fucking soap operas, no despairing phone conversations on how our lives will end without eachother. This is the point where most of you are thinking, "So, you just want to get some action, then?" Ha ha. Shut up. No. I don't really know what I want, to tell the truth.




"I won't have a life until you're dead, yeah you heard what I said."
-The Darkness (fuck ya!)