I love the way you love, but I hate the way I'm supposed to love you back...

Today is.. what? Oh, nevermind. My watch says Wednesday because it's 1 in the morning. Today I basked in doing a little as humanly possible, and then I rode my bike downtown for band practice. Jamming was alright, when you consider that I basically abhor (I hate that word) the music we play. It's just juvenile. It's stuff that beginners play, and we're not beginners anymore; we can do better. I have a feeling that the Impetuous Youth legacy will soon crumble; it's talent to be reborn in side-projects. Tracey and Cara took the bus after practice, and I stuck around to have dinner at Trevor's. I told him about this blog and he made it clear that he didn't want to be named. Oh well. So we ate cereal for dinner; a meal adequate for the impatient and uncreative. Trevor fought with his brother over some laundry dispute, and I glumly stirred my milk-less granola. That's right, I hate milk. And apples. And caramel. Trevor arranged for his ex-girlfriend to come over at quarter to 7, so I was hastily ushered out the door to ride my bike home. Later on, I went out with Pat and Jason to see Passion of the Christ. We bought our tickets in advance and while we were waiting at the debit machine, a group of familiar faces appeared. It was Nick, Shane, Miles (in a very trendy hat to compliment his ever-present emo image), Drew Halliwell, and.... oh goddamnit, what was her name..... Kim. We told them to save us seats, and then we went to get DQ. Jason had the genius idea of sneaking our ice cream into the theatre. Well, for those who don't know, DQ's 'treat' lids suck fucking ass. I got mint Oreo blizzard all over my goddamn self and all over the purse I was hiding it in ('it' being the blizzard, not my self). I made an even bigger mess in the theatre and sat down to watch the movie. I must say, it was as gruesome as everyone said, and the make-up effects were bloody amazing (pun intended), but at the end, I felt sort of cheated. It basically chronicled the last events of Jesus' life. I wanted to see more. Truthfully, I wanted to see the whole story because I'm not too familiar with the bible, and I'm sure as hell not going to labouriously sift through the New Testament. After the flick, we headed to Canadian Teen Leisure Headquarters, (aka Timmy Ho's, aka Tim Horton's). On the way in, there were two odd-looking fellows and a pathetic rat-type thing that I guess was supposed to be a dog. I got a coffee, (explains why I'm wide awake right now), and sat down to hear stories about some guy's psychotic mom.
I break now from the monotonous account of my day, to talk of other things. I will take this opportunity to explain my attitude concerning the world and my place in it. I used to be quite an emotional person. I was a piteously dramatic kid growing up. My teen years, (funny, I'm still in them...), were even worse. I craved attention, but not actively. I entertained thoughts of suicide whenever my parents yelled at me about my 'attitude'. I didn't do this because I was depressed, I did it because that's what people on tv did when they were upset. I had this wierd obsession with turning my every-day life into a movie. When I had arguments with people, I took lines from television shows that fit the part. There were times when I would act like every second of my life was being documented. Anyway, as I got a little older, and started doing my 'escapes' from the household, I found a new perspective on life. I would sit on the top of a jungle gym at 2 in the morning and think 'Holy shit. I am such a small, insignificant part of this world.' I would think of all the people in my city alone, and how they all lived completely seperate and individual lives. They all had different opinions, different views, different experiences, different stories. It was during one of these reflections, that I stopped taking myself so seriously. I mean; sure, it's annoying when your sister calls you a bitch; but for christ's sake, it's not that important. I thought about people all over the world. I thought about people who had to fear for their lives, living in war-ridden parts of the planet. I thought about people who's main worry was where their next meal was coming from. All this thinking made me feel sickeningly selfish. Who was I to ask God for help when I got dumped by a guy? Who was I to curse fate when things weren't going so well in my life? So I learned, slowly, (and I'm still learning), to take it easy. Every now and then, I give myself a bit of a reality check. I think, 'Hey, as tough as this seems, the rest of the world moves on, and if you don't move on with it, life won't hesitate to leave you behind'. The days still pass even when I hit the lowest of lows. The clocks keep ticking, and the sun and moon keep orbiting. Nothing stops just because I feel stuck. I have two choices: get back up, or get forgotten. These days, I think I've become a lot more rational. I think before I speak and act. I work problems out for other people, as well. Of course, as they say; no one is perfect. I get pissed off; I yell at people, I act like a child, I let my mouth spew whatever garbage is inside my head. My biggest character 'flaw' is my stubborness. The thing is, I KNOW it's a character flaw. I KNOW when I've acted like an idiot. And sometimes I even think; 'someday my stubborness is going to come in handy'. And it will.





"These broken windows, open locks; reminders of the youth we've lost."
-Thursday