Put your bets down on the table, boys, see how well you can stand this noise....

Yesterday I took the bus downtown to my mom's house. I hadn't seen her in quite awhile. We talked, and she made me dinner; we watched movies and sat on the couch. Well, she sat on the couch. I got up every ten minutes to wander or look at something or distract myself. I was......restless. And I've overused that word in this blog, but maybe that's because I always feel it. I went to a short band practice that was pure hell for me. I was totally out of it. Sick, tired, frustrated. Peter is going to Victoria for school soon. I'm really proud of him, but I don't know what's going to happen to the band. Oh well, I'm not that disappointed. I'm not disappointed at all, actually. I need something new. Something completely different. A whole new sound. I like our band right now, don't get me wrong, but it just all sounds the same. I need to start something new. With new people. I would love to start something with Peter, but, evidently, he's leaving. He's a really interesting musician and he thinks a lot like I do. He's abstract with his talent. He's not afraid to try something totally different. But, regardless, it's not enough. I need someone from another planet I think, haha. Someone totally unconventional. I need a new instrument! I need to start writing some more songs again, I think. My gear has been at Trevor's, and there's something vaguely unsatisfying about 'rocking out' on an acoustic guitar. It just can't be done. Anyway. Back to yesterday. After practice, I went home and talked to Jason on the phone for a little bit. Then my dad called to say that he had gotten in an argument with my sister and she disappeared. I told him she probably just went for a walk somewhere and she'd be home later. It's what I would have done. He seemed really upset about it though. I didn't know what to say to him. I feel wierd, because I'm seeing it from a different vantage point. She's going to be going to Victoria soon, and right now she's just waiting. I can imagine that she just wants to get the hell out of here. I don't know what she thinks she's escaping though. No matter how far you travel, you never really get anywhere (think about it). I can also imagine that she doesn't want to talk about anything with him. I can understand that. I hate talking to my parents about anything important. Hell, I hate talking to anyone about anything. On the other hand, my dad is just as frustrated. I feel bad because he just doesn't understand where he went wrong. He wants to talk to her and find out what's going on. He wants to help her, but the truth is, kids just don't go to their parents when they need help. This is why I don't want kids. You raise them and give them everything in the world, and they turn their back on you. It's human nature. There's nothing wrong with it. I just don't want to fucking deal with it. Waste of my time. I'm so selfish, haha. Anyway. I can see how hurt he is; trying to reach out to her, but not being able to. She doesn't want anything to do with him. I want to tell him, "Just wait. She'll come back eventually, but only if you just let her go." I don't think he'll ever have the kind of relationship with his kids that he would like, but who does?
Enough talking about parents and kids. I got really tired around 8:30, and said goodnight to my mom. I planned on playing some Nintendo, but found that it wasn't working. This pissed me off mildly. So, instead, I went into my room and cut up the last of my weed to make 6 joints. All the while I was thinking, "My mom thinks I'm sleeping right now, but I'm really in my room rolling dope." Earlier, when I was on the phone with Jason, I discussed my little habit in more depth. Then I made the decision that it wasn't something I wanted to do anymore. I needed to get it out of my system and move on. I realized that when I was on drugs, I had no ambition. I had no control over what I was doing. I was escaping, and I didn't like it. It's fun, but it's fun for the wrong reasons. I'm not saying that I'm never going to do it again, I've just made the decision to not do it for certain reasons. I'm not going to do it when I'm pissed off or confused or upset. I'm going to make sure that it's merely for entertainment value only. I have a feeling that the entertainment value is going to diminish slowly, anyway. So, to celebrate my new-found opinion, I lit some incense and got stoned on my roof. Then I analyzed exactly what I was feeling and what I was doing. I wanted to really learn something this time. I discovered that I could hardly complete a coherent thought inside my head. My mind was jumping all over the place. I would think of something, and immediately lose interest in it. I couldn't think straight. I put on The Rapture and danced around for a good hour. Then I ate some Crispy Mini's and passed out. I woke up freezing cold. I felt the same as I usually feel 'the day after'. I couldn't decide between being slightly depressed or ecstatically happy. I was antsy. I had some breakfast, tried to sit on the couch, but eventually got up to take the bus home. My mind wouldn't leave me alone. I couldn't stop thinking. Many times I thought, 'I hate this'. Other times I couldn't get enough of it.

I guess what it comes down to is this: It's there if I want to do it. It's easy to get. It's easy to do. It's easy to lose myself completely. It's my choice. I can do whatever I want. However, I can also just live my normal life without any influence whatsoever. The point is, I'm in control.

Holy sweet christ this blog is long enough. Maybe I should shut the hell up now.




"We'll have to fall in line; follow, live, love, and die."
-Moneen