On and on and on.....

It's amazing how a simple conversation can escalate to the point where it sparks an outburst of emotion. Something just triggers an avalanche of words and feelings. Sometimes you just have to let it all come out.....


Him- I asked you when you joined this band if you were going to be in for it, and give 'er

Me- How can you expect me not to change? That's such an unfair label to put on people, and i can't understand how you don't see that. You're holding it against me that my opinions changed. For christ sake, people change! I said that because, at the time, I felt good about the band. Now things have changed. I've told you how I feel. I've said everything I need to say. I am just fucking sick of everyone coming up to me and saying how they feel different about me or they don't know me or I've disappointed them. For fuck sakes. I wish that I never met anyone. I wish people would just not expect anything of me and I wouldn't have to fucking explain myself all the time. I'm starting to feel, more and more, that people aren't ready for me. They aren't ready for how I think and how I deal with things. They're wrapped up in their own little worlds. I have no place here.



Ok, so maybe it got a little out of hand. Then again, I don't say my feelings very often, so when I do, it all comes out at once. I thought that it would end there. The conversation had been a lot longer, and it just snowballed into what I decided to record on here. And then...it continued. I'm basically typing this as it happens because there's nothing more honest than unedited rants.

Him- So whats going to happen? I dont want to sit around putting all I've got into this band unless were all in.

Me- Then I'll leave. It's as simple as that. I'M not happy, it's MY problem, I'm sick and bloody finished with relying on other people to solve anything for me, so I'll do it myself. I'll leave if it has to come to that.

Him- Ok.

Me- I was a fool to lean on anyone and expect them to care or co-operate in solving a problem. I set an expectation, and that was my mistake. No one gives a shit about anyone else's lives. I'm fucking sick of humanity. How the fuck am I going to be a politician if I can't even get through to anyone? People are so goddamn selfish. But that's fine. Maybe that's what they need to do.

Him- Will you teach us your parts?

Me- If that's what you need me to do.

Him- You will play these upcoming shows?

Me- If that's what you need me to do. I am so fucking finished with everyone and everything. This is bullshit. Fuck... I just don't know anymore. I thought that I had to work on trusting people and I'm starting to think that I don't even want to anymore. I don't want to rely on anyone for anything. I don't want to trust anyone for anything or believe anything that anybody says.

Him- Why?

Me- Because it's retarded. It's setting yourself up for failure. And people are fucking unreliable. Just like myself. You got upset because you expected me to stay with the band and I changed.

Him- Your saying it was bad for me to trust you?

Me- I'm saying that it just makes me want to trust people less. I'm finished with the human race.

Him- I see. I have to go...