I'm talented with reason, I cover all the angles, I can fail before I ever try...

Today I worked both jobs. Ew. Wendy's is fucking grueling. After work I went home and sat on my ass for awhile until I had to catch the bus to the show. Jackie was on the bus I took, which was awesome because I had no idea where to go once I got to the college. The show was awesome. I saw so many people I knew, it was great. I helped clean up a little afterward, then Jason drove me to Nick's. We hung out for a bit, then he drove me home. I've lost my voice. Tomorrow I go to Shaun's house. Hmmm...

Today I saw him and usually when he's not around, I can think of how normal it is without him. And then I see him again and all the feelings come back. It's so stupid, because he gives nothing in return. No 'I care', no 'I want to be with you'. That's most likely because he doesn't feel that way, but holy shit it's hard. I hate seeing him again, it makes me want to do all the stupid things kids do when they fall in love. Or whatever it is we fall into. Fuck. I watch his every move, absorb every word he says, like it's nourishment. Everything he does makes me want to be with him even more. I said to myself 'If something's going to happen, it has to happen now', but nothing did. Instead I watch everyone else pair off with whomever they please as if it's easy as putting on a hat. I hate feeling like this, because I know I have to make an important decision. I have to choose whether to keep playing this game and waste all of my time trying to win, or to accept the fact that we are just friends. That's simply it. It sounds so easy, but it's not. I can sit here right now and say, 'Ok, that's it. We are friends and nothing more. I'm going to stop disappointing myself.', but I know the next time I see him, everything will change. I HATE BOYS!


Now I will talk about 'love'. I am starting to despise all these pseudo-manic-depressive trendy motherfucks who have started this whole 'I don't love' bullshit. Give me a fucking break. Love has been around since the start of time. Most influential people mention love as an important part of life: God, Ghandi, John Lennon; to name a few. If you can't love someone, then you have a problem that you need to solve. Simply getting into a relationship and saying 'I can't love' is fucking lazy. Everyone is capable of loving if they TRY for god's sake. I know all of this sounds cheesy, but I am so sick of hearing all these people around me bitching about how hard their lives are, and how depressed they are, and how they'e heart has become cold and empty. You want to see a cold and empty heart? Go talk to a kid who watches his dad beat and kill his own mother. Go talk to someone who's had their child kidnapped. Go talk to a girl who makes her living letting disgusting men use her body for money. GO GET A LIFE! Ok, maybe this empathy thing is something I definitely should work on, but at the same time, I'm just sick of dealing with people who think their lives are so hard. It's not impressive to claim you don't love anyone. No one thinks any higher of you. In fact, I would be ashamed of myself if I told everyone I didn't believe in love. What a ridiculous thing to say, when you really think about it. That's all I have to say.



"The day you were born, you were born free; that is your priviledge."
-Incubus