The youth are starting to change, are you starting to change? Are you together?

Fuck, sometimes it feels like my brain belongs to two people. Like someone pinched the corpus callosum so hard it split in half and the sides can't communicate with eachother....and I can't make sense of either one. And sometimes happiness is so sticky and close, it's suffocating. The sky is dappled with clouds but there are too many to make any recognizable shapes and all I can do is stare and let sparks of thought jump from left brain to right brain to left. It's comfortable to think like that, to un-think and let my body blend with the dirt and wish biology would take over and everything was as simple as math and science. I'm not even making sense. Because love doesn't make sense. As soon as you think you know it, it changes. It's your best friend waiting until you're asleep with a blindfold behind it's back. It's like the North star in the city....you know it's there, but the lights and chaos just erase any of it's glow. It's like a really good book written in a foreign language.

You find such pretty girls, you do. Ones with eyes that match your darkened lungs, ones with faces better suited for the glossy pages of fashion magazines. You'll be famous some day, your lifestyle wouldn't allow anything less, god forbid you grow old and mediocre and I mean that in the most sincere way. I think all the words we said were true, but the lake water stole them and they were pulled underneath and drowned. They belong to another time, another life where they were shiny and meaningful. Here, they leave our mouth already stale and fate does not cater to repeat performances. You get one chance. Maybe we were young once, but we've been here a while......So let's just make the most of it. I'll see you again one day.

Death has returned and manifested in a great matriarch. Her defenses are solitude, stubbornness, and denial. She's been around long enough to make her own choices, and who knows how many years she wasn't able to do just that. Why is it so easy to keep all that life hidden? It's not as if anything would shock me. I've seen a lot. I wish I could peek through curtains of time and find out why we are the way we are. Three generations of women with too many secrets. Hers are deepest. Now I may go my entire life without knowing them.